


Hurt

by publicspeaking



Category: DCU - Comicverse
Genre: F/M, M/M, and other reasons, because the reboot, but i wrote this before the reboot, completely not canon, tim feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-02
Updated: 2012-08-02
Packaged: 2017-11-11 06:39:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/475662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/publicspeaking/pseuds/publicspeaking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tim's life is just never going to stop sucking no matter what brave face he tries to put on to face it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this before the reboot so maybe it's a future they could have had before that happened and it's really just sad and doesn't really get any better. So! In other words I apologize for this because it's horrible and there was a reason I never posted it in any place I knew people would read it.

Tim knows its the little things. Its the way they smile at one another, the way they can have a conversation by just staring at one another. It’s the way Connor gets that stupid smirk on his face when he’s right or the look of disappointment on his face when he’s wrong. It’s the way Connor holds himself together, how he’s always got some smart ass quip to come back for everything because he tries to be hard, doesn’t want to let anyone know that he’s got real emotions and real feelings. Its the fact that Tim is one of the few people that really get beyond the walls Connor puts up, that as much as he likes everyone else on the team, Tim’s his best friend and he trusts him more than everyone, wants him more than anyone.

For Connor it’s other things. It’s how whip smart Tim is, how he seems to know everything and has this naturally ability to lead, but lets Cassie do it because Cassie needs it more than he does. It’s how Tim comes to immerse himself in the things he’s good at when he’s hurting, because he’s not good at being selfish and wallowing in his own pity, he wants to make the world better when everything around him crumbles. It’s how Tim confides in him and how he’s one of the only people who really get beyond the wall Tim puts up, that as much as everyone on the team wants to understand him, Connor’s the one who gets to be his best friend and know his deepest darkest secrets, to be the shoulder for Tim to cry on.

After Connor dies, Tim thinks he’s cursed. Everyone he loves is bound to die, he can’t save anyone. He is lost and broken and alone. He’s lost so many people, his mom, his dad, Steph, Darla, but losing Connor was the first time he ever felt truly alone. He loses it, he’s even aware as he’s trying everything to clone him again, because anything remotely resembling Connor is better than not having him at all. He comes close to considering offers from Ra’s Al Ghul, he fights with Dick, he loses his place as Robin to Damien. He is broken and no one can fix it, his last link to love is gone because Connor is gone, then Bruce is gone, and Dick isn’t Bruce, can’t ever really be Bruce. Tim is alone, and it hurts.

Connor comes back, and how exactly Tim never questions. He should ask, should wonder, but seeing him on that rooftop for the second time, with Krypto flying with him, Tim has never felt so happy, has never felt that burst in his chest stronger than that moment. He was in a bad place the first time he saw Connor back, couldn’t really wrap his head around the fact that he was back, that somehow he was alive again, that Tim didn’t have to be so alone. It’s there Connor knows what he means to Tim, it’s there Tim knows what Connor means to him. But Connor’s got Cassie and their complicated relationship, and Tim’s just glad that Connor’s alive, that he doesn’t have to feel so alone anymore.

Tim is broken, but slowly he’s healing. Connor has issues of his own he needs to work out, like who he is, and what he can do to not succumb to the Luthor part of him that scares him so much. Tim hurt turns to a dull ache through the years, surviving but just barely, waiting and waiting and waiting.

They get older, together and apart, Teen Titans becoming just Titans, Connor tempted with the thought of becoming Superman instead of Superboy. It seems silly to be called boy when his body is aging, but he’s not as old as he looks, he’ll always be the lost boy who never had a childhood. Being grown in a test tube has it’s disadvantages. Tim feels as old as he is though, wonders how Bruce managed it. At thirty, he feels all the aches in his body more, feels every bruise last longer than it did when he was just a kid in the Robin suit, more than that seventeen year old body did when he first put on the Red Robin mantle. He’d seen prophecies, that he was Batman, that he’d turn into the next Joker, but these things never came to pass, it was the choices that you make that makes you who you are, nothing predetermined, he decided.

They see each other on the weekends still. Tim waits and Connor never forgets. They sit and talk, and sometimes they just sit, but it’s the highlight of Connor’s week, and Tim’s too. They are older and supposed to be wiser, but Tim never says the words on the tip of his tongue, and Connor never brings it up.

Connor and Cassie get married in the summer. They leave the word obey out of their vows, but they do love each other, despite the complications between the two of them, they always have. Connor makes Tim be his best man and Tim never complains, just does everything Connor asks of him, even turns and looks when Cassie comes down the aisle and tells him how beautiful she looks. Tim fakes a smile well and he’s happy for the two of them, but the words are stuck in his throat, choking him with their meaning. I love you, he thinks. I’m happy for you is what he says. When it’s over he sits in his room and he tries not to think about how much this hurts, how much he wants but will never have.

The Hall of Justice is under siege, falling and not for the first time. Everyone has been evacuated but Tim is still there with Connor, pulling rubble off his best friend as fast as he can, hoping the Kryptonian side of him will keep him alive long enough for Tim to save him. He’s bleeding and breathing hard, eyes hazy as he looks up at Tim, lungs being crushed under the weight on top of his chest. The building is going to collapse and Tim knows it, but his place is at Connor’s side, doing everything he can to save him. The lights flicker around them and Connor wheezes, moves the arm that isn’t pinned down to hold onto Tim’s arm.

“Save yourself.” Connor whispers, but Tim shakes his head.

“I did.” And Connor knows what he means, feels guilty and horrible, but Cassie was right for him because they were what was supposed to be, Tim was never supposed to mean more than his wife, even if he always had. Connor knows this and the wave of guilt that washes over him hurts more than the pain of dying again, lets his fingers move up to Tim’s jaw, pushing back the cowl to look at his friend’s face. There are tears in Tim’s blue eyes, his shaggy black hair matted with sweat and falling across his cheekbones and Connor brings his head down so Tim’s able to press his lips to Connor’s. It’s not the kiss either of them want and Connor can taste the salt of Tim’s tears, Tim can taste the iron of Connor’s blood. “I always loved you.” Tim’s voice is broken and he’s finally said the words he’s wanted to say for years.

“I always knew.” Connor’s smile is small and Tim’s laughter is brittle, and they know this is it. The building shakes and more of the roof collapses, but Tim doesn’t hurt as much anymore.


End file.
